Dirty, Dirty Rockstar

You saw him on your TV

A God that you had wanted

Lust that grows with peoples hatred

Every protest, and you feel insulted

He’s the man of your dreams

His words are more divine than your priests

His sound is the voice of your screams

And yet you think his style is grounded

 

He’s an angel with scabbed wings

A demon to save your world

He said he loves you like his little girl

And you felt the pain in his voice

He was the end of your misery, its dirty demise

 

Now you wear the same brand of lipstick

That he does, and the mascara he wears

His gothic black boots are your parents nightmares

He cuts himself on screen

With words too obscene

You waited in line for hours, you wanted to meet him

But he went too soon, didn’t get a chance to greet him

You were so frustrated you broke out at your parents

And spat at the guy from school who claimed you’re the dearest

That was the night you put his songs on loop

You slipped into a depressive cocoon

Of your lustful devotion

A bag of hallucinogenics and a mindful of twisted emotions

 

 

He’s an angel with scabbed wings

A demon to save your world

Watch as he lets his darkness unfurl

You wish he would be yours

Because he looks so sad and lonely

But little did you know that his story is phoney

You’d bathe in his sorrow

But all he did was piss on you

Because power always pisses on the weak

 

He’s a drug addict now and part of a scandal

He wasn’t too merciful with his groupies

And did things to them that you can’t fathom

But he’s the love of your life

And you stand by him even though he sold you lies

You thought he held your hand when you were alone

But heroes die too soon, and your models are decievers

You cut your arm for real but his blood onscreen was fake

His entire facade was built to target your emotions

 

Now you plead for the Angel

The demon you left your love and family for

You thought he was true, but he left wounds so raw

Your insecurity is his market

It’s not the sadness but the drugs that made his face rugged

You thought he would be yours

But as always, you’ve been cheated again and left alone…

 

Carcinoma

22/12/2015

 

Its just another day with very little sleep

Another night of horrible nightmares

Another day of violent vomiting and nausea

Another day in the Land of Malady

It’s been like this for a while now

My body has become a wasteland

A host

 

In me grows my baby

I still remember the day

When the doc said I was pregnant

It was a day of such simple joy

But all too soon came the news

A crushing blow

 

My body was also a host

To an emotionless alien

Growing, spreading inside me

Eating my insides and corroding my immunity

My heart sank when the doc said it

‘Cancer’

 

And that’s the day the battle began

A beautiful soul growing in me

A human life, soon to be born

With dreams and hope and love

Together with a being whose sole purpose

Was to kill

 

‘Life is a race’ they say

Yes, and I’m a finalist already

But I have to run for the life that lives inside

Outlive the monster, I tell myself

But it keeps growing

Its will as inhuman as its purpose

Pure evil

 

I give up sometimes

‘Just begin with the treatment’ they say

But it endangers the life of the child as well

The thing, it has spread its claws on both of us

I shed tears, of desperation

Of guilt and sometimes of joy

When I feel my child move inside

It is a little triumph of life

A little nudge reminding me to carry on

‘Be a fighter mom!’

I dream my child say with a smile on an angelic face

And then I see the face begin to rot

It’s like even my brain is full of venom

I hope my child wins

Hope.

To Wish For A Glasgow Smile

I am standing in a dark tunnel

The floor beneath me feels mushy

And a damp stench is in the air

It is how my life has been;

lately.

I have no idea what I am doing here

All I know for certain is how numb

I have become

But then the ground shook and there was tension in the air; I suppose fear is what I felt; and I was glad I could feel it

A fear of failure?

I pondered some more about life

In the damp darkness

About how it is so uncertain

Shaped by disaster;

Lead by chaos

Sometimes it seems like its been years

Since I was happy

But then I heard a sound, a sound that told me I was close to the end of the tunnel; My heart started pacing and I was glad to be alive

I paced my footsteps faster

My breath grew heavy

My sight grew dim

But I knew the path led somewhere

Somewhere; anywhere but here

Memories flashed in my mind

In fast motion

I could see all the faces of childhood again

I was running now

And my mind was hallucinating

I knew I was not far from the world I dreamed of

Adrenaline pumped through me

My legs which dragged me through cold empty streets;

Were now filled with a rage so mad

I was excited enough to exhale my lungs out

My mind for once was not distracted

It wasn’t taken over by fear

(Fear of what? Failure? Rodents? Death?)

I thought I could hear the voice of another soul closeby

And it reminded me of words such as friendship and love

Oh, how I have missed those!

And I ran like I was being chased by goblins

Or the Reaper himself

Trying to escape a terrifying life

Leave a past that has haunted me so

And walk into a dream world

Where I finally knew why I wake up every morning

And it was as if the God who had failed me all these years showed up

For I saw a light at the end of the tunnel

And tears hot as lava flowed down my face

I know knew what ‘alive’ meant

I was running fast enough to numb my brain

And screaming till I thought my throat would bleed

And my mouth was a grin so big and my eyes so wide;

My face looked like that of an alien

And then, my heart stopped.

My mouth went wide open with a waterfall of saliva

My eyes wider than ever before

My legs gave out

As I realised

There was a train coming my way…

Lets Answer Some Questions (Liebster Award)

So I have I have been nominated for the prestigious Liebster award by the lovely lady M. Saluja, but unfortunately I do not accept award nominations anymore. However, this particular award nomination came along with a very interesting list of questions that I would love to answer, simply because it gives me an opportunity to introspect even more than I usually do.

If the world is going to end tomorrow, what would you do?

I have often pondered over this question, if I were to know life ends tomorrow, what do I do today? Well, the most honest answer I have come up with is: nothing. My mind would be too chaotic to allow me to do anything but think of finding some way to avoid the impending disaster. But if I somehow manage to convince myself that the world is guaranteed to end and there is no escape, I would sit quietly and reach the deepest corners of my mind and jot down whatever comes to me at that point, then pass it to whoever is in a similar state as mine.

When did you think that you have grown up?

I have not grown up. I don’t think I will in the near future.

If you can trade your life for something, what would you ask for in return?

I won’t trade my life for anything unless it is to save humanity or some unrealistic scenario like that.

What is your deepest desire?

My deepest desire is to cause some sort of a revolution. Not necessarily a social one, maybe an academic or artistic one? I do not know how or what, but being the cause of a great revolution seems like a dream come true to me. Catalyze a big change in some way.

If you have unlimited money and time, what would you do?

Follow my deepest desire(s).

Who is your idol and why?

I simply do not have one. Having an idol implies that you wish to be like them in ways more than one. I have not seen a single individual who has impressed me with their ways in so many fields that I wish to emulate them everywhere. Nope.

If you are to write history again, what would you change?

I wouldn’t change a thing. If I wiped off the World Wars, they would take place but at a different time. Maybe at a time when the world couldn’t afford to have a war of such immense magnitude that could potentially wipe off existence as we know it. It is the horrors of our previous experiences that makes us learn lessons and change our ways in the future. Changing history would mean changing the present and the future. Maybe, we would be having a Holocaust in 2015 if history were any different.

Which is your favorite classical work and why?

There are plenty, but the one that comes to mind is Edgar Allan Poe’s poem ‘The Raven’.  The narrative and the tone of the poem are beautiful and I just love the Gothic quality that the poem carries.

If you get a chance to meet someone from past or present, whom would you prefer meeting?

There are too many names here! Lots of writers, film makers and musicians that I would love to meet and ask them questions about their art. But right now the one name that comes to my mind is Indian poet and novelist Jeet Thayil. There are so many questions that I would ask him about his poems, about his book, his life, and also his musical projects!

Voices

‘Tyler? Tyler?? Tyler!!!’

Huh? Doctor? Is that you?

What are you doing in my room?

I can hear you, but I can’t see you

Is my mind playing tricks on me?

It does when I get a little bit lonely

‘Your mom, she hasn’t even wished you

Just like everyone else, she too has ditched you’

She must be with her friends today 

She’s been too tired from working too late

‘She could have informed you

When was the last time she left you?’

But…

‘You’re too much of a burden

It’s difficult to live with a retarded son in a suburban 

Its been months since you last went to school 

Remember the times everyone thought you were cool?

Now nobody seems to miss you

Nobody calls, intentionally, just to diss you’

Arpita called me last week

She had to cut the call because the connection was too bleak

‘That’s just an excuse 

She used to be your muse

Haven’t you heard about her and Rohan?

She has found a replacement 

And you’re on your way to where your dad went’

No! Please stop! You’re making me cry!

You were so nice doctor! Was all the positivity just a lie?

‘You’re fat, ugly, you’re balding and lonely

Do you think girls would want to be with someone so phoney?

People still remember your first public breakdown

They still talk about it, like it were a celebrity meltdown

A bright young kid who completely lost it

He’s holed up now, kept inside a closet

Hahaha

They act nice when you’re around 

And call you a maniac when you’re gone’

No! Please stop!! My head hurts!

It’s like all the blood cells in my brain have burst!

‘I know what to do if that’s the case

It might hurt a little but it will make the pain go away

You see the cutter there? Put it to your neck and push it through

You will feel all the pain and embarrassment fly out of you’

What if I scream and grandma wakes up upstairs?

She’s got a weak heart, it’ll be worse than my worst nightmares

‘There’s nothing to worry about

If you scream, you will choke and only blood will come out

Are you a pussy? If not, you know what to do

And remember, nobodies ever gonna cry for you’

Ugh…ummm…okay

The front door opens. A woman in her mid thirties enters holding a large box and lots of plastic bags from a shopping mall. It’s raining very hard and almost noon. She enters along with a group of teenagers and a couple of adults. All of them settle down in the living room and start playing Tyler’s favorite music and  decorating the place. The woman, Tyler’s mom, walks towards his room which is locked from the inside. She knocks on the door. ‘Honey! I’m back! Sorry I left you alone! You thought mommy forgot about your birthday didn’t you? Awww my baby, I have bought you a big birthday cake and also enrolled you for the piano course!’ She knocks again.’All your friends are here too. All of them. They  have been planning a surprise party for you all this time! And oh, your phone! It wasn’t working and the phone calls would end too soon but don’t worry I got it fixed!’ She knocks rapidly. ‘Come out baby! You’re doctor is here as well! He came all the way from his clinic just to meet you!’ The knocking grows. ‘Come out! Come out!! Open the door honey!!’

‘Tyler? Tyler?? Tyler!!!’

Spectre  

There’s a ghost that haunts me

When I’m alone

It’s there all the time 

But sometimes it makes its presence known

It whispers into my ears 

Insanely obnoxious things

It reminds of failure and embarrassment 

During the rare moments of courage

It wins over me every time

When I feel loved

By reminding me of failed relationships 

Of people who don’t like me anymore

It provokes me to be offensive

In the most inappropriate times

It makes me paranoid

Holding me back from trusting people

No matter how much I want to give in 

It reminds me of the scars

Beneath the layers of clothing

It tells me I’m not good enough

To be with other people

Standing over me with an evil grin across its face

While I sit curled up in the corner

It’s a strange presence I feel all around me

Letting me not be me

I scream in my dreams

As horrid bloody images flash in my mind

And I can imagine the ghost

Watching over me with a look of sadistic pleasure

It’s the Ghost of my past

I pray to you

My master,

I have suffered enough

Please let me go…

Losing Myself

Sitting in the same old room

I sit with my head held between my knees

Wondering if I’ll ever get my life together

Sometimes being able to smile seems like an achievement

Any trace of self confidence or esteem seems annihilated

The spirit that I had built

After conquering my insecurities 

Is shattered again as I watch

People who were intimidated by me

Weak minded cretins with pusillanimous ways

Grow bigger and better than me with every passing day

It’s a strange form of irritation 

A frustration mingled with sadness

It’s an abyss that was created

When all sense of pride 

Vanished into thin air

Self worth now seems a delusion of grandeur

I scream internally 

And pick up the pen

It’s a sickening routine but I’m addicted

I believe it exorcizes my demons

But writing only creates them

Gives them a form for the entire world to look at

To peep into the troubled psyche of an insecure little insect

I lose all sense of physical attachment 

A complete desolation of identity

The lights go off

And the wretched apparitions of my mind 

Reveal themselves on paper

As I write

‘Not a body, nor a thought

No emotion and no heart

I am nothing but a mere nocturnal reflection’